Wondering Why

I know I have been absent from the blogging world for quite sometime and I wish I were entering back in with happy news. Unfortunately I am writing as a way of getting some feelings out in a somewhat healthy way. I can some up the last year of my life with one word, infertility. I never would have imagined in a million years that becoming a mom would be this hard. In May Marc and I actually got the good news that we were in fact pregnant. We were both thrilled, but in the back of my mind I was so nervous. Every visit to the doctor from then on was filled with anxiety. I would pray everyday that God would continue to grow a healthy baby inside of me. On my 9week appointment I saw the baby and I saw the heartbeat and I thought everything was fine. My Dr. saw some things that worried her and told me that there was a definite chance that we would miscarry. Of course for the next week I was sick in worry. On July 6th I got the worst news I could have gotten.... there was no heartbeat. Right then and there sadness filled my heart and I could not understand why God would finally give us a child just to take it away. I'm still struggling with this question and may never know the answer this side of eternity. This is definitely a grieving process. I want to scream, cry, hit, all in the same moment. I feel like i have been punched in the stomach and i don't know when i will catch my breath. I know God promises to give strength to the weak and that is my prayer everyday. I can't describe the hurt and brokenness that i feel, but i know there are those of you out there who have been where i am and have felt what i feel. I know God is good and i pray his goodness will be revealed to me during these circumstances. I have an amazing husband and a loving family who supports me and i know eventually i will come out of the "fog". Thank you to everyone for the calls, flowers, prayers and I hope to be able to talk to you all with out sobbing very soon. I will try to write more often, and update you on our journey of becoming parents. I know it will happen, I just pray that it happens soon.