Wondering Why

I know I have been absent from the blogging world for quite sometime and I wish I were entering back in with happy news. Unfortunately I am writing as a way of getting some feelings out in a somewhat healthy way. I can some up the last year of my life with one word, infertility. I never would have imagined in a million years that becoming a mom would be this hard. In May Marc and I actually got the good news that we were in fact pregnant. We were both thrilled, but in the back of my mind I was so nervous. Every visit to the doctor from then on was filled with anxiety. I would pray everyday that God would continue to grow a healthy baby inside of me. On my 9week appointment I saw the baby and I saw the heartbeat and I thought everything was fine. My Dr. saw some things that worried her and told me that there was a definite chance that we would miscarry. Of course for the next week I was sick in worry. On July 6th I got the worst news I could have gotten.... there was no heartbeat. Right then and there sadness filled my heart and I could not understand why God would finally give us a child just to take it away. I'm still struggling with this question and may never know the answer this side of eternity. This is definitely a grieving process. I want to scream, cry, hit, all in the same moment. I feel like i have been punched in the stomach and i don't know when i will catch my breath. I know God promises to give strength to the weak and that is my prayer everyday. I can't describe the hurt and brokenness that i feel, but i know there are those of you out there who have been where i am and have felt what i feel. I know God is good and i pray his goodness will be revealed to me during these circumstances. I have an amazing husband and a loving family who supports me and i know eventually i will come out of the "fog". Thank you to everyone for the calls, flowers, prayers and I hope to be able to talk to you all with out sobbing very soon. I will try to write more often, and update you on our journey of becoming parents. I know it will happen, I just pray that it happens soon.

A Day Away...

Well friends my school year is almost over! It has been a doozie!!!! As a teacher you have those years that are great and some that are not so great. It may not be one specific child that makes it a doozie, it may be the whole class dynamic. Well this year, in my case, it was both! I had a few very challenging students. I had one very angry child who had a reason to be angry. Her homelife is truly sad!!!! At least 10 people tattled on her everyday!!!! I honestly believed every person who told on her. She was B A D!!!!! Hopefully her mom will choose a father-figure for her children and stick with him!!!! On to my next challenge......my special friend for the year!!!! This child is the most adorable thing to look at! A couple of hours in to my first day of school I realized that adorable was not so adorable after a while!!!! I have had a special friend in my classroom every year since I have been teaching! I think I end up with the special needs children because I seem to have patience at school. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly! My friend this year was autistic. This disorder is different in every child. It is amazing the gifts that these children have. Even though some days I literally wanted to turn in my "apple", I will definitely remember the good days. At the end of another school year, I am faced with the question inside my head, "Do these kids really learn anything from me?" Well two days ago several letters were put in my box. They were from sixth graders who were graduationg from elementary school and one was from a mom of a sixth grade autistic child that I tought in fourth grade. The words in these letters were thanking me for being a teacher they would always remember! What great timing did God have in giving me the words that I needed to hear! So now a day away from summer, from freedom, I rest knowing that I do impact the lives of these little ones in a positive way! I leave you with the website the mom left me in her letter. It is a tribute to me and the other teachers that have touched her sons life! Happy Summer!
www.youtube.com
search:poodleheadpeg
click on: "You Helped Me Become Me"

Age

What age would you be if you didn't know how old you are? My husband asks me this a lot!!!! I recently celebrated by 31st birthday. Yes, 10 years ago I turned 21! When you think of it that way it just sounds old! The past 10 years have just passed right on by. They were filled with love, joy, hope, sadness, awakening, and so many other things!!!! I did not take 31 very well! I don't know why I was almost in tears all day long. Birthdays are just not what they used to be! you want the whole world to stop because this is your day! You keep a checklist of all the people who have called, or not called! I know we all do it! It is just sad to say that the older you get the less important your "big day" really is! There are no more parties at the skating rink, no more party favors..........if you're lucky you get a dinner with the people who care about you. Thank you friends who remembered my 31st birthday and who celebrated with me! I hope the next 10 years are even better than the last!

My Sweet Hubby

i never thought i would meet a man as sweet as my grandfather until i met marc! marc is my sweet hubby! i love him more than he will ever know! i love that he is so passionate about things (even disc golf)! if he is dedicated to something, he is 110% in! i even love the fact that it takes him 40 forevers to eat a meal. some of my friends got to witness this last night! everyone at the table was mostly done with their meal when marc was still clearing the vegetables off his plate. marc is quite the preparer!!!! he then proceeds to cut all of his chicken before he takes just one bite! on top of it all, terry had engaged him in a conversation about disc golf(his second love) which definitely hindered his prep time :) this is just part of marc! it is just one part of the amazing man i get to call my hubby!

Juno

I went to see the movie Juno last night. I was very impressed. I think I expected this movie to be more Napoleon Dynamite like, but it wasn't at all. I was glad that it wasn't. It was a very sweet movie. I would highly recommend this film. My next movie to take in is 27 Dresses. I will let you know how that one turns out!

Sweet Friends

Drama, Drama,Drama

Oh the drama that has followed me the last couple of days!!!! Wednesday I left work with what I thought was the remains of a migraine headache I had the night before. I had a blurred spot in my right eye, so I went down to the school nurse. She suggested that I go to the doctor just in case! My doctor was not available so Marc took me to the ever-dreaded ER. The ER itself was not that bad. Only a few people in the waiting room so I only waited a few minutes to be seen! I get to the back and saw the nurse, vitals were fine. The doctor finally comes in and starts examining me and asking family history questions. She asked the question, "Do you have any family history of strokes?" I had to tell her about my dad who had a stroke at 42. The look that she had next was not what I wanted to see!!!! She immediately switches gears from migraine to TIA (ministroke). Needless to say, I was freaking out!!!!!! Marc was very calm this whole time. The nurse said that the docotor was just covering her basis and not to worry. She actually said the doctor was being a bit extreme!!!!! The last test she wanted to give was an MRI. It could not be done until late that night. She proceeded to tell me that I would be admitted to the hospital. For those of you who don't know me well, I HATE hospitals. I hate the smell, the walls, the mood, the thought of staying there overnight was quite scary for me!!!!! But, before i knew it, i was in a bed in room 262, hooked up to an IV waiting for my MRI!!!! All the tests came back fine. The neurologist confirmed that I just had a migraine!!!!! Seven tests, 29 hours later, he had confirmed my diagnosis!!!!!! Drama! I am very proud of myself for not having even one panic attack in that dreadful place!